LDR Advice from Michelle and Frank

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I met this girl online over a year ago. We met and hit it off great instantly.
We talked online for about 10 months before I met her in person. She lives in RH and me in CA,
so we are totally far apart. Well she came down here and met for a day.
After that we continued talking via phone, emails, tx etc.. We agree to meet
up in FL for a few days together. That went Awesome! The time spent with her made me
not want to leave her. It was great! It was obvious that we both had strong feelings
for each other so we got extremely close. Well I was a bit hesitant since I thought our
relationship could never really be since we live thousands of miles apart, but she
continue to say that ” IT WILL WORK OUT” that if she had to move she would. She
assured me it will work out and to keep a positive outlook towards our fresh new
relationship. Well now I’m back from my “vacation” and miss her tremendously!! We talk,
text but its not the same. Now where I’m still confused is whether this relationship
has a chance in all honesty of survival or not?? We do plan on meeting up again in a
couple of months, but that just seems like a life time to go for me. Am I falling
hard for her that I am being “doubtful” to save some pain later on? I don’t know what
to think anymore. Do you believe this relationship can work out? what are possible
obstacles we might face in the near future? I’m in desperate need of advice. Thank You.


Michelle says…

Hi Sandy. Like you, my relationship with Frank started off as long distance. We were friends for a year and had met each other in person a couple times, but when the decision was made to be together, we were states apart. He was in New York going to school and I was in Maine. I have to admit that it was awkward in the beginning because it started as long distance. But when we finally got to see each other, as in your case, it was definitely awesome, and it felt right. We both had felt some doubt about our decision, and seeing each other seemed to totally wipe away any doubt we each had.

No matter what you do, in a long distance relationship, nothing will be the same as actually being able to be together. But that doesn’t mean that a relationship can’t survive. Frank and I talk every day on the phone, we instant message on AIM, do things simultaneously together (watch TV or a movie), one time we even played a trivia game over the phone. A huge thing that has helped me was our use of webcams. Near the beginning of our relationship I got on Ebay and purchased two identical webcams, one for me and one for Frank. It was really worth it. It’s still not the same, but it is better than just the phone or text.
As for obstacles… a big one for Frank and I is the inability to see each other as often as we would like to. Money makes this an issue for us. As college students our schedules didn’t always match either. We have been able to see each other every 1-2 months max. Another problem is having arguments long distance, we have found out that we fight longer when we are apart, but when we have a disagreement when we are together, a simple hug can be enough to soften the hard feelings, and we get over it much faster. We also have arguments that probably would never happen if we weren’t in a long distance relationship. Examples of these are arguments about phone use (one person not wanting to get off the phone), feeling neglected when one person is busy and doesn’t have time to speak to you (it was already bad enough when you can’t be together and the only way to stay connected IS to talk on the phone). These phone arguments used to be a big problem earlier on in the relationship because Frank hates using the phone for more than 5 minutes at a time, and I could stay on the phone forever. We have both gotten a lot better about phone use though.

Another obstacle would be not being able to spend important days together. We haven’t been able to spend any birthdays or our anniversary together. I think the only holidays Frank and I have spent together is the 4th of July and Thanksgiving. So on special days, we spend extra time on the phone or webcam together. We mail special presents, most of the time it’s things we have made for each other. We try to make the most of it, and make those days as special as we can.

From my experience, long distance relationships take a lot more effort than normal relationships do. You have to work hard at it. You have to be patient. I think one positive thing about long distance relationships is the excitement you feel when you get to see the other person. Who gets THAT excited in a regular relationship when they see each other? And when we do spend time together we make the most of it and don’t take that little time we have together for granted.

It takes some extra effort, but long distance relationships can and do work. 2 months can feel like a lifetime when you can’t see the other person, but you have something to look forward to. Some couples don’t know when they’ll see each other next. So you have something to get excited about, something to plan together, and that’s great. Try not to dwell too much on how much you miss the other person, just on how much you love them and how much you want to make this work. I can’t promise that your relationship will work, but a good sign that it will work is both people having their hearts in it and both wanting to work hard at it, and of course a lot of love for each other.

Best of luck!

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Comments 2

  1. Thank you for sharing and I'm happy that this website exists. Since this past Dec, I've been in my first ever LDR with a sweet guy I met on OkCupid. He is in NH and I'm in WI. He has been in LDRs before, even engaged, and he is 100% sure we are right for each other. But I'm so anxious about it (I also have GAD, which I told him about). One big thing is the unknown. The media loves to blast stories of missing people or unsolved cases where people disappeared after trusting someone they don't completely know.

    Living in the same area as your SO, you get to meet their friends and family, and visit where they live and work and play. You know so much about them with little effort, so learning each other's personalities and the more in depth aspects become the main focus. You don't have to even trust a person, you know those facts. I do trust him, but sometimes you see things in person that they don't know about themselves, like signs of an abusive personality. With a LDR, I feel like everything is important, all at once. A couple of days ago, I told him of my concerns and he was very hurt. I reiterated that I am willing to work and try for us, but that it will take me time to know him and feel comfortable about all of this. He is already there. He even talked about moving and marriage. He has a background where his parents married in 4 months and found happiness. I'm willing to move to a nearby city, and do a paid internship or something valuable while being closer to him, but at least 6 months in the future.

    Aside from that, there is no snuggle time, no hands held, no kisses hello and goodbye. But we're doing things to make up for it. We do spend time on video chat, texting, sending pics and videos to each other, and I created a private Facebook group for use to use, so we can have threads of conversation about topics, or post articles and videos to share, all conveniently in one spot, not lost in text messages. I'm sending him a gift for v-day and I'm making him a card and poem with a spray of my favorite perfume. I'm going to visit him in May, and he promised to visit me in July/August, but expenses are limited. I hope it all works out as wonderfully as he believes. I'm going to continue to make an effort to discuss everything with him and read articles to better understand and prepare for a future together.

  2. So reassuring ! Thank you for this post. I will remember when I go to Cali this coming week I will hug him when we have a little disagreement to show him I am over our little disagreements = ) AND def not take the little time we have together for granted. THANK YOU

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