<< Back to Long Distance Advice Q&A's

He said he couldn't handle the distance

July 28, 2008

Hi, my name is Joyce and I live in North Carolina. I have been in a relationship with this guy that lives in Canada for the past 3 years. Well anyways, last New Years he broke it off with me and said he couldn't take the distance and that he hoped I understood. Well, needless to say, I was heart broken. At first I was upset, and told him so. Then I had some time to think about it, and thought I just wanted him to be happy as well as myself. I really didn't want to be with anyone that didn't love me, but he started e-mailing me to tell me how much he loves me. Well I didn't want to be with anyone that didn't want to be with me. I sent him an e-mail telling him this. I guess about 9 days went by, and then he e-mailed me, and told me he made a mistake and wished he never ended it with me. We ended up trying again.

Well I went to visit him this May, and we talked about what happened. He told me it would never happen again, but it has. The girl he was with this time e-mailed me herself, and told me everything. I had only been gone for 1 week when he started seeing her, and he was still talking to me. I broke up with him, and me and the girl became friends. He had been lying to her as well. Now he wants me back, and I have to say it makes me feel good to know that. He tells me how much he loves me, and wants to make a life with me, but I don't believe him, and I tell him so. Now he is trying to turn the table on me and make me feel like I should trust him... "well I don't." I really want to believe him, but something is telling me not to.

Please tell me what to do.....

NC Lady



For starters, it is clear that this man has broken your trust by lying to you and being with another woman. Trust is a hard thing to earn and certainly tough to get back once you've broken that trust. You yourself say you can't even believe what he tells you when he says that he wants to be with you and make a life with you. If you can't trust a person, it is not fair to yourself or the other person to be in a relationship with them. Trust is absolutely crucial in every relationship, and must be at its strongest in a long distance relationship. Most people would find it hard to trust a person that broke their trust the way this man has broken yours. This is perfectly understandable. He does not deserve your trust or a relationship with you, let alone anyone. You were fortunate to have discovered his secret before making tremendous changes in your life to be with him. Who knows what other secrets he might have had in the 3 years before you discovered this. After all, it wasn't him who confessed to being with another woman, it was the other woman that came to you.

I realize this is hard. After 3 years, it certainly could not be easy to make a decision to leave someone. There is so much invested emotionally in a relationship that has lasted this long. To let it all go is definitely a hard thing to do and would break anyone's heart. But this man has already said to you once before he cannot handle the distance and he has proven this already. He isn't going to miraculously handle it any better than he has before.

I would suggest leaving him unless he can fully earn your trust back. If you have lingering doubts and suspicions about what he does when you're not around, then it would be in your best interest (and his) to leave this relationship. Whatever you do, take time off from the relationship to avoid any manipulation, and to have a clear head about what you really want and how you really feel about him. Decide what, if anything, he has to do to earn back that trust. He may have lost your trust forever, or it might take him making the drastic change in his life to move to North Carolina to be with you.

Whatever you choose to do, choose wisely. The only right decision is the decision where you feel 100% sure he will not break your heart again (whether that decision means leaving or staying with him).

Michelle



Unfortunately, your gut instinct is usually the right one. Michelle and I have a pretty strict policy that once you feel you are unable to trust the other person in the relationship because they have cheated, you are pretty much out of the relationship. Some guys say that they have "urges" that they need to fulfill. Or that they can not control themselves. Let me tell you, if you are truly in love, you can resist.

You can feel flattered that this man you loved wants you back, and wants to try. But if he did cheat with you after you got back together the second time, I really feel you should move on.

Frank


<< Back to Long Distance Advice Q&A's