LDR Advice from Michelle and Frank

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He doesn't make the effort to see me

August 5, 2008

I've been in a long distance relationship for a year; he says he loves me; he says he's miserable when I'm away; a mutual good friend of ours who's there with him he is crazy about me. However, I feel I've made all the effort -- he hasn't made the effort to come see me and it seems like I do most of the calling. Now, in his defense, where he lives is my hometown and it is much easier and convenient for me to go there but I would think if he was truly interested he would have made the effort/would make more of an effort. When we are together it's wonderful. How do I know if he's really interested and it's worth the effort?????


Yolanda, I know exactly where you're coming from. Let me explain... So Frank went to school in NY, 12 hours from my home in ME. I go to school in Maine but can live at home because my university is a 25 minute drive away and I commute. Frank however was 6+ hours away from his home in MA. So in our situation, I'm the one that did the traveling to go see him most of the time to his home in MA and to his school in NY. This was because when he'd go home during his breaks from school, he'd want to spend it with his family, and it wouldn't be right to make him choose between coming to visit me over spending time with his family that he had been away from for months. I also took the bus, which is more convenient than traveling the whole way in my own vehicle since I was able to sleep and relax (when obnoxious people/creepy people weren't being a distraction).

There were times where I would get upset that he didn't come up to see me more often. I hate traveling on the bus. And I had the same thoughts that he wasn't putting in the same effort as me. My family would even mention how they never saw him and made notice that it seemed that I was the only one making an effort to see him. I had to remind both them and myself his situation. I got to spend a lot of time with my family, and he didn't, and I wouldn't feel right to take that away from him. It was definitely more convenient for me to travel than for him to.

Though less frequent than me, Frank still made the effort to see me as often as he could on his longer breaks and during the summer when he wasn't in school

Now in your situation, I understand both sides. Your boyfriend probably thinks it would be an unnecessary hassle for him to go see you when you could just go see him since he lives in your hometown where presumably you can visit your family and him at the same time. I don't believe that this means he doesn't care about you or isn't interested in you. He has probably gotten used to you coming to see him, so he thinks "why change?" So that on top of it being easier and convenient, it's hard for him to understand why he should travel. This goes for his infrequent calling as well. You say that you do most of the calling, but by now, he probably expects this of you, and doesn't bother calling because he knows you'll call when you're ready to talk.

Most certainly, you should express your feelings about this with him without accusing him of being uninterested in you. As convenient has his situation is, by living in your hometown, he still should show some effort. Suggest that he at least go to see you x number of times, less frequent than your trips to see him, but enough to make you feel satisfied that he is putting in the effort. Another option is to suggest that he help pay for you to see him, whether it be to pay for half your gas, or half your plane ticket. That way he can at least put in some effort to see you without necessarily making the trip himself. This could be a compromise.

If he doesn't make either compromise then you can begin to assume that he does not want to make the extra effort to be with you.

However, from what you said, he does sound interested in you and he does sound like he cares about you. He may just be set in his ways and used to the good treatment you give him and doesn't see why anything should change, especially where he has it so easy.


I can see his point of how it is easier for you to travel to your hometown. However, I believe that the travel to each other's house has to be split. I know I would be very upset if I was the one doing all the driving, or flying, to go see Michelle, and I am sure she feels the same way as she did a good amount of traveling so we could see each other.

Now, when you are traveling to see him, I hope you two share the cost of the travel evenly. If you are doing the traveling, and spending the money, that is not fair either. You are in the relationship together, so you should handle the costs together. If you split the price, I see no honest reason why your boyfriend can not visit you.

Speak to him. Let him know that you feel that he can say he loves you and is crazy about you all he wants. Until he makes a visible, physical effort to see you at your house, you can not feel that he totally loves you. Poets write of love making you travel hundreds of miles by foot to see the one they adore. He doesn't have to walk, but he really has to come see you. Even for a few days. That little effort will probably mean everything to you, and you will know that he really does care and is worth the effort. Be straightforward when talking to him, but not too harsh when telling him your problem. I think this will help you in getting him to come.


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