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I cheated on my LDR boyfriend. Do I tell him?August 11, 2008
Ok, so here's the deal:
We use to live together for a couple of years.
One year apart.
Recently, he mentioned that he would be visiting within a couple of months - we have both been good up until that point.
Me, I was not so good last night. Met this guy on a flight to Toronto and when we got back to Ottawa we went out on a date and I faltered. Sex wasn't even that great - average.
So here's the Q:
Do I tell him? Do I selectively tell him? My plan was to tell him after he leaves that I have a booty call fella so that he doesn't have to know that I cheated within several weeks of seeing him. What does Frank think? As a man would he want to know? Isn't it more important to think about his feelings than to ease my own guilt? Or is it the honesty is the best policy? If he told me he did what I did, I would be very upset! Knowing that he was going to see me so soon and so much time has gone by and nothing happened but when there is end in sight then this happens - I would be angry in fact! What do you suggest? I need some good advice now because I feel like sh*t and guilty and a generally horrible person.
I realize that you want to hold off telling your boyfriend what happened until after you've been able to see him so your visit is not ruined. However, the best thing for you to do is to tell him. I know you said that you would be upset if he told you he cheated on you, anyone would, but wouldn't you still want to know? If this is the man you have intended on spending the rest of your life with, would you be comfortable keeping a secret like this from him for that long?
Something has been lacking in your relationship for you to go out on a date with another man in the first place, let alone sleep with him. Maybe the distance has been causing a lot of stress in your relationship. Maybe you were yearning for physical attention and were caught up in the moment. We all have faults. But it is my belief that if your love for someone is strong enough, it would make you strong enough to avoid temptation.
There is something that is lacking emotionally, not physically, in your relationship for you to falter. This is something you should carefully analyze in the weeks before you see your boyfriend.
I personally would not tell him before you saw him. Chances are if you told him over the phone, it would be easier for him to break up with you on the phone and trip plans would be canceled. For now, work out how you will tell him. Figure out if this is a one time mistake or not. Can you promise it will never happen again? What has cheating taught you about your relationship with your boyfriend? Figure out the reasons you want to stay with your boyfriend so you can present these to him.
When you see him and you're back to your place in a quiet room alone, tell him you have something to tell him. Do not have sex with him before you tell him. This will amplify his emotions. He will no doubt be upset; allow him to be. He has every right to be. He will want explanations. By no means, ever make it seem it was his fault in any way. Sentences such as, "You have been distant lately and I was lonely" can come off as accusatory. Do not start your sentences with "You's." Instead start with "I's." For example, "I felt lonely."
You asked if you should be selective in the information you give him if you tell him you cheated. Well, I think that the best thing to do is to tell him everything he wants to know. If he wants to know who, give him a name (not a full name, you don't want him to contact the other man). If he wants to know details like where and when and what you did with the other man, let him know. Otherwise, if you avoid giving him these details, it will only make him feel like you are hiding things from him. This is your time to put everything out in the open. You have to be completely honest because this is the first step in rebuilding his trust in you.
If he chooses to stay with you, you will have a lot to work on in your relationship. Not only will you have to earn back his trust and faith in you, but you will have to work on the problems that led you to cheating in the first place.
Being honest is always the right thing to do.
Eva, as a guy, I would want to know. And as a guy, I would be furious. Questions such as, "why couldn't you wait for me?" would come up. I guess the thing is, you want to wait until he leaves to tell him. Use distance as a shield. Protect yourself from the anger and make it easier to tell him while he is miles away. Well, unfortunately, it is easier to break up with someone while you are far away. So, if you tell him that you have a booty call guy, you might lose your relationship. While if you tell him straight up that you f*cked up, while he is face to face, there might be a chance to save the relationship. Now, as stated in a previous question, Michelle and I have a pretty strict no cheating policy, and that once someone cheated, it is likely that the relationship is not salvageable. You need to think "Why did I cheat?" Was it just the distance? Maybe you are not into it anymore. Only you know the true reason. And yes, I know it would be easier just to never tell your man that you did anything. He would never know, and you would never tell. But from all the guys I know that have cheated, it only makes them more suspicious and starts to ruin the relationship. One said, "I should have just told her, and if that ended the relationship, it would have saved us both months of a lot of bull and hatred towards each other because I was acting like such a jerk." So, I guess you could take that advice. Lay it all out, and what happens happens.
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