<< Back to Long Distance Advice Q&A's

Long distance boyfriend won't friend me on MySpace

February 28, 2009

I met my LDR bf online through MySpace in August of 2008. I live in Oregon and he lives in Virginia. He instant messaged me through MySpace. We IM'd, texted, and talked on the phone for about 4 months before we became a couple. We have seen each other once and spent the weekend together. Last month I found out that he IM'd someone and they had, let's say, an intimate internet conversation and actions that he should only be having and doing with me. (We have agreed on a monogamous relationship). He was honest with me and told me about it and I lost it. To me that is cheating. We worked through that but ever since then I have been pushing the issue that even though we met through MySpace we are not even friends on it. My feeling is that he is hiding something which I have expressed to him. When I bring it up to him about it he replies that I shouldn't worry about it because he loves me and calls me every day. My question to you guys is even though I have expressed my feelings about this he still shoots me down and has not accepted my friend request what should I do? Do you think I am over reacting and that I should let it go?

Tara



I too think it is odd that he won't friend you on MySpace. If he says you shouldn't worry about it, then why does he worry about adding you on MySpace? It just doesn't make any sense. If he had nothing to hide he would have immediately added you when he met you on MySpace. So I do believe he is hiding something. He may be flirting with other girls on MySpace, and doesn't want a girlfriend posting loving messages on his wall, therefore giving him away as a cheater to the other girls he talks to. If he has made a private account on MySpace, then he may be hiding the fact that he has either kept a "single" status, OR he already has another girlfriend on there that he doesn't want you to know about.

Obviously in any relationship there has to be trust for it to work out. In your case, I don't blame you for not trusting him. Unless he can start being more open with you and stop this hiding game, then I don't think he can ever win your trust, and therefore I don't think your relationship will work out in the long run.

To answer your question, no I don't think you're overreacting. I don't think asking him to friend you on MySpace is out of the question. I think it is quite ridiculous he won't friend you.

Okay, so here's what I think you should probably do to deal with this guy. For starters, I am not usually for ultimatums, but in this case, I think this ultimatum is a reasonable request. Talk to him again about this. Tell him you can't trust him because he won't add you on MySpace and that if he doesn't man up and just friend you already, then it's over. If he shoots you down again, and tries to tell you not to worry and STILL won't friend you, then HE IS HIDING SOMETHING and he probably is not someone you should be with.

I definitely sense that something is not right.

Michelle



I always didn't like MySpace because of the "top 8." How do you pick your "top 8" friends? And why does the first one mean that they are your best friend? Anyways...

Normally, I say that MySpace isn't real life. And that just because you aren't a top friend, doesn't mean you have to get upset. But, I think, for your case, you have a point. The fact that you met through MySpace, and he messaged you through it, it is strange that you are not at least his friend.

We don't like jumping to conclusions, Tara. Michelle and I feel that it doesn't really lead to good things. But even when I read your question, I could not help but wonder why you aren't his friend on MySpace. It just rings strange, since you have this MySpace connection.

Now, you also mention that he had inappropriate conversation with someone else, but he confessed and told you all about it. This is good, that at least he will tell you when he did something wrong, instead of trying to hide it and lie. I also personally agree that internet cheating is still cheating.

Ok, to lay it all down to a point:

I guess what this all comes down to is that your boyfriend likes you, and would not mind being your boyfriend. However, there is that distance issue. I think he might have commitment issues to you because of the distance. He calls you and talks to you everyday, which is his way of proving that he wants to be in a relationship. But the fact that he went out and did this conversation with someone else, and he won't friend you on MySpace, can't help but make me feel as if he is hiding something else.

If I had to guess, he feels that anything said online is not real. You are his girlfriend because he calls you, which is actual, non-electronic communication. But on his MySpace, he acts as if he is single just so he can flirt and act a certain way with people he doesn't know. If you are his friend on MySpace, that would be the end of that "fun" for him. Like I said, Tara, this is just a guess from what you have told me already.

Unfortunately, you don't have any proof (either way) of why he isn't friending you. Is it just because he doesn't feel like it, or because he has some things you wouldn't like going on there.

Before you go any further into this relationship, you need to get the trust back. You are feeling suspicious, and that makes you unhappy. Until you can stop feeling this way, you will not be 100% into this relationship, making it very unsatisfying. Unless you just want to be in this relationship so you can say that you have a boyfriend, and not because you want to go further, then leave things the way they are. But if you have feelings for this guy, and really want to move your relationship up a level, I think you need to tell him that you are having trust issues. You cannot give all of yourself to a person that you can't trust. This will forever cause a rift in the relationship. He can get upset that you don't trust him, but if you keep an even voice and explain that trust is not given, it is earned. And when you lose some trust, you have to work to get it back, he needs to work if you want to stay together.

I hope that makes sense. You just can't deny that you don't trust him as much now, and trust is paramount, and he needs to do what it takes to gain your trust.

Frank


<< Back to Long Distance Advice Q&A's