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Gabriela's Love Story
By Gabriela 7/24/2008Let's start saying who I am first...
My name is Gabriella I'm from [city removed], Mexico; right now I'm 19 years old but I met him at the age of 17.
It all started in November of 2006 I was in high school and I had this big crush on this guy who I never talked to, we didn't talk but we knew each others name and that's it...One day I was on my MySpace lurking at random peoples MySpaces and I saw this picture of a guy who looked exactly like him, so I decided to add that random guy, we started talking his name was Matt from [city removed], Ontario Canada he was 18 years old and he looked so much like my crush.
Matt seemed nice and funny, he used to send me a lot messages at MySpace at least two each day, saying how much he misses me when I'm not online and stuff like that. To be honest I used to laugh at this I used to mock long distance relationships, so I never replied. One day, I received a message from him. He told me how hurt he felt because I never replied to any of his messages. He told me to stop playing with him.
I remember this line that I'll never forget: "I love you...I'm being honest, all this words you've read come from my heart, I'm not making them up."
Then after reading that message I started to have feelings for him. 4 months went by, and I asked my dad if he could send me to Canada to study English. My dad actually said, "Hey that's good idea." I was so exited I told Matt right away. He was so happy, we started planning all the stuff we would do once we were together over there...
Time passed and before we knew it was August. That month we started to have so many problems. I was so mad cause he never called... not even once. I called him two times and that's it. The conversations were the same. He stopped sending me messages on MySpace. We only talked on MSN. He used to say he was busy and all. I felt so much pressure because two months ago I talked to my parents about him and they agreed for me to go to Canada just to meet him. So one night I came home all sad and frustrated because I thought about him all day and how he wasn't showing any interest in the relationship. I talked to him on MSN and said, "This is over, I don't want this anymore...it's not the same I don't know what to do anymore" and he only replied with, "okay."
A week passed and I was logged in to my Facebook account and I saw this "Matt [last name removed] is now in a relationship." My first reaction was speechlessness then my breathing started to raise and at the next minute tears were running down my face. I asked him why and he said, "It just happened"... We never said we had to wait for each other but I had so much faith in us and that this could've worked.
I got depressed I didn't want to go out with my friends. I stop talking to my parents because I was ashamed. I even wrote him a song... I wrote so many letters by hand thinking one day I could have sent him one but I kept them all, because a friend of mine said "Gabby, if he has someone else already. He's going to read just the first paragraph and then he'll get rid of it." So I chose to keep my words to myself. I chose to keep his name buried. I chose to never talk about him because everyone knew what he did and I used to hear the same words of my friends every time I talked about him: "Gabby it wouldn't worked anyway it was a long distance relationship. Get over it!" "Gabby he's a jerk move on!" So I decided to keep all my tears inside. I decided to fake a smile everyday, but I couldn't because he was my first thought in the morning and my last one at night. In December, I typed this letter on my computer and I saved it...
Hi Matt
It's weird to resieve a letter from me eh?
How have you've been?, I've really been wondering how have you've been , we don't talk anymore, so I was wondering that, I hope you're really doing good. I can't say I'm doing good,I've been really sad, and it's getting hard to hide it, I show a smile every day, like if I weared this mask, I don't talk about you anymore with anyone, cause people may think i'm that I'm crazy, crying or feeling sad about something that never existed, so I keep everyting to myself, my parents and my friends are always asking me if I'm okay, if I'm doing good, i always say yes, just to don't make them feel worried about me.
Sometimes I wonder what could've been and I thanks God I didn't met you in real life, cause that woul've been tougher for me to get over it, I can't even get over you yet, sad? you may think? it is, and it hurts, it hurts a lot, in every song that reminds me of you, or every movie, some times I break down crying when there's no one home, but only for a few seconds, and then I tell to myself this has to end, I blocked you from msn three months ago, but it didn't work, I'm sorry, I did that to stop thinking about you, I thought it worked, so one day I said to myself "I'm okay now" then you got online and you talked to me "hey" you said, it hurted so much like someone punched me in the stomach and leaved me breathless, i heard every beat of my heart, and I'm not being cheesy with this I really do mean it, I tried to be cool about it, and I tried to answer you in the best possible normal way, for you not to notest how i was doing.
Am I over you yet?
It still hurts after 6 months, sometimes I pretend I'm strong enough and trick my mind a while just to tell myself I'm doing good without you, but it's a lie...
I wish you could be as sad as I am, I wish you'd cry like a fool and hurt for a long, long time, wish I could hate you forever, and find strength in insulting you and actually mean it, but I can't make you feel the way I am feeling every day, and I can't make you cry the way I do every night, and I don't know how to hate you, cause how can you possibly hate the person you love?
"love despite distance" I wondered if that could work, I got wrong in so many ways and one of them had faith that love despite distance could be possible, and I blamed myself for loosing you, now I don't blame any of us cause I'm trying to let you go cause I hope one day I will.
i had dreamed you came here to the city i dreamed i was looking for you and i found you, and i felt like crying, I had so many feeling inside me in one second, and you hugged me and said to me "did you think of me?" and i said "every single day" your hug was warm yet i kno it was shared, i introduced you to all my friends and family but it was to good to be true it even smelled fishy, I woke up and I had that scene in my head all day, I came home and I fell asleep, when I woke up I started to cry, I'm sorry I'm telling you all this, is not even your fault, you might not even give a damn, but I really don't know what to do, so decided to write you this letter, I don't want you to feel sorry for me, cause it's already enough the pain I'm feeling, I just wanted to tell you this cause you're really the only person I can say that to, I really do wish you the best, and I really hope that you're happy now, I'm glad you found her, cause at least one of us don't feel lonely anymore.
Love, Gabby.
After January, I couldn't handle it anymore so sent the letter to him via Hotmail. I didn't expect anything in return; not even an "I'm sorry." A day passed, and I came home and checked my e-mail... There it was; a response of him. My hands started shaking and they became clammy. This is what it said:
I'm sorry for everything, like i still love you, and i always will, it was just the distance, like if i could have seen you i know i would have never let u go, but like i never saw u and it made me so sad, and i was hurt when it was over, like i still thought of u cuz i love u, i still go on your fotolog to see pics of u, like i knew for 100% i wouldn't have let u go, i feel like an idiot but like i didn't want to find somebody else but it just happened, like now i feel so bad for finding someone, like if u lived 2 hours away i would've have seen u but u lived so far away, like i wish i saw u, i think about it all the time, i just want to see u, if i do i wouldn't be able to contain myself, i'm so sorry, can u ever forgive me, like i still love u, remember that, plz, be happy, like u might find someone u like too, like plz, i just want u happy more than anything, plz be happy, i just want to cry right now, i feel like shit, i love u and i went out with someone else, like i just felt like u weren't talking to me much and u didn't want me anymore, ugh i just want to scream, i'm sorry
love matt
I wanted to hear that. I wanted to hear that so badly. But for some reason I felt sad. Maybe it was the fact that what we had wasn't possible. Maybe it was the fact that he was hurt too. I don't know if he made that letter up just to make me feel better, but for some reason I don't care, because he made me feel loved.
We started talking again like before but he had a girlfriend so there was always a limit in everything I used to say to him, because I respected his relationship. I found myself feeling the same way all over again and I had so many sleepless nights. I decided I wouldn't make the same mistake again. I caught him telling me lies, so I decided to end it because I got so hurt. So I wished him the best through another letter saying goodbye this time.
He was my first love, my first REAL love.
Gabriela
So it started that day in November
a year ago she gave her heart
to someone so kind I can tell you
who had blue eyes that would light up her night
he had a unique smile i can tell you
she just wish she could keep in her mind
but the time was so hard to measure
they both didn't think how tough it was
he said goodbye
she couldn't even hold his hand and ask why
she let him go
she didn't dare to try
they were planning some time together
it just slipped out of their hands
still she wonders if he's thinking about her
she can't handle now so much pain
talking about him she could go on forever
and every time it takes her breath away
there still some open wounds no one could mend
just him..
But he said goodbye
she couldn't even hold his hand and ask why
she let him go
she didn't dare to try
she cries herself at night....
Cause he said goodbye
she couldn't even hold his hand and ask why
she let him go
she didn't dare to try
So it started that day in November a year ago... I gave my heart.
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