Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I recently decided to take a break because he wasn’t happy anymore. He says he isn’t himself. He would always be upset with me and get mad. We argued a lot because of this. Well we took our break for about 5 hours before we got back together cause well we love each other it is hard to stay away, then we broke up again about two hours later. Should we just break up so he doesn’t feel tied down anymore? Is there anything I could do to help him? I feel like I’m not helping with him getting better if I am still talking to him. I mean he felt tied down because he couldn’t see me or hug me or anything. I can’t fix that though, we have school still so I can’t go see him and he can’t see me. I hope you can help me because I don’t want to lose him he makes me truly happier than I’ve ever been. If we have to end it though I will have to be okay with that because I just want him happy. I just don’t know what to do.
Troubled with my Guy
Sometimes in life we get so tangled up in the romance of drama and so buoyed by big emotions that we’re not accustomed to that we make problems for ourselves when there are none; and I believe that’s what’s happening here. His feelings and yours are genuine, I’m not saying they aren’t, but in the absence of actual difficulties I believe maybe he’s inventing some. And why not? That’s what the media and popular culture tells us love is all about. Isn’t dating supposed to be full of angst, drama, tears, opposition, break-ups and make-ups, and grand sacrifices? Well, actually no, it’s not. That isn’t the goal at all. You don’t need to go all Edward Cullen and disappear from his life to save him here.
Over all I think maybe he’s not mature enough to have this relationship yet, and possibly neither are you. That’s not an insult. It doesn’t mean you’re behind your peers or immature in other areas. It just means that this is a big thing and maybe you’re not ready for it. You have another 60 odd years of dating and romance and trying to be a good partner ahead of you, but only a couple of years left where you can be childish and free and unencumbered. I’d enjoy the latter while I still had the chance, honestly.
In time he will learn how to hold onto his own identity within a relationship and you will both learn how to talk through problems to reach solutions as a team but right now I believe it’s best if you stay friends and ease off the full-on relationship stuff for a while. (And by a while I mean six months to a year, not a couple of days.)
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I started dating in our freshman year of college at U of Alabama. We even lived in the same apartment building. However things weren’t always great even when we did live closer. Sometimes I would only see him once a week so I would make up excuses to be able to see him. He got mad and said I was being clingy. At the same time, he often got high and played video games with his friends. Other times he was great and I just feel like he is one of the only people that understands me. Then he lost his scholarship and had to move to North Carolina. At the same time, I went to study abroad in France. We took a break for a bit but still stayed together. Since our LDR started he doesn’t take me for granted as much. He is a great boyfriend we tell each other everything. However, I face the pressure of people telling me I’m wasting college. On top of this, I will most likely be going to law school in CA. He wants me to try to go to NC but I don’t want to risk going to NC and things not working out. Also, he talks about marrying me but I don’t know if he is the one. I am scared that my parents will be disappointed in me if I choose a guy over my edu. and I don’t want to be in south anymore. Also not ready for marriage and don’t know if it would be like before if we ever lived together again. If I don’t know if I want to marry him should we break up? He is the only serious relationship I’ve had.
Sometimes we know we need to leave a relationship but it’s scary. We can’t see the future and it can be hard to envision a big change like that, plus we’ve already invested so much time, we wonder maybe we should just stick with it. Our TV shows, books, and movies show us relationships that end predominantly because one person is “bad” and so that can leave us wondering what the right course is when two “good” people are just not good for each other.
I have no doubt that if you stayed with him, moved in and eventually married, you could be happy. Life is what we make of it. Lots of relationships make it work because the couple is 100% dedicated to that; they don’t give themselves another option. With that said, for me personally, I didn’t even truly know what I wanted in a relationship until I left my first one. There were things that didn’t fill me with joy, but I thought they were perfectly normal, that all relationships would be like that – but nothing could have been further from the truth.
If you are to ever choose a guy over your education he needs to be amazing. One of a kind. Stars shooting out his buttocks. You need to be certain that he’s going to support you later on when his career is established and it’s time for you to go back and study to build your own.
Wasting college? Because you’re not getting drunk and sleeping around? Listen, Stacia, a lot of people have a misguided idea about the purpose of college. College is for education, so you can build a future wherein you don’t have to work a low-paying piece-of-shit job you detest. If you’re studying your arse off, you’re not “wasting college.”
You know when’s a good time to go on benders and sleep around? In your forties. Yep, because with the right partner your life doesn’t end at marriage, not even your sex life. So save that shit for when you’re financially stable and confident in your body and the things that bring you pleasure. You can go to Vegas together and swear each other to secrecy at the airport on the way home.
Two years in I think it’s fine not to know whether you want to marry him, but if you get to three and you’re still not sure the answer is probably no. You might not be ready to marry anyone, but you should have the sense by the three-year mark if this is a person you would marry if you were ready.
He’s obviously not setting your soul on fire, and I think if you’re going to spend forever with someone they need to do just that. They need to make you feel 1000ft tall, on-top-of-the-world amazing and you need to love the person you are when you are with them too.
You’re smarter than you think you are; trust yourself.