Dear Miss U,
I am from Romania and I have been dating a guy from the USA for more than 3 years. Every time we were together everything was perfect and we were very happy together. But when we were separated we were very sad and lonely. We are both divorced. He has 3 daughters of which the youngest is 21. I have 2 boys of 10 and 14 years old. He said at the beginning that we need time to get to know each other better and grow our relationship, then after a year, he told me he needs to know if he gets along with my boys, then after 2 years we still have to grow our relationship and so on. It has been already more than 3 years and he never brought up anything about marriage or commitment unless I started the conversation first. A month ago, we had a big fight on the phone and he said he realized he does not want to live without me and he would bring me an engagement ring in May, we would marry in December and so on. But when he showed up in May there was no ring. So, I told him that I can not go on like this forever in this long distance relationship that is going nowhere. He told me that I am desperate because I gave him an ultimatum, but I do not agree on that. I feel that my life is passing by me and nothing is happening. He seldom made all sort of plans for the future with us moving together, him being the father my boys need, but all I got was just words. He always told me he loves me very much and I love him very much too. But since I gave him that ultimatum, I have not heard from him. Why?
Nobody likes to be told what to do. Who enjoys feeling pressured? Sure as hell not me!
I totally understand your frustration, 100%, but we can’t control other people we can only control ourselves.
And what good is forcing him anyway? If we push our partners into engagement and then marriage, how can we know they truly wanted it? Personally, I would always worry that he didn’t love me as much as I loved him.
Is it possible that having had one failed marriage he’s a bit scared to marry again? What if he never wants to marry, would closing the distance be enough? Is this a deal-breaker?
I hope that when he calms down he reaches out to you, and you can begin to see eye to eye on this issue. Something is obviously up; if you back the pressure off a bit and maybe even apologize, I hope he’ll feel safe enough to talk about his feelings and you can reach an understanding if not a compromise.
Remember that when you talk to him to keep it about you and keep it respectful. For example, “I feel a pressing need to be married and to see progress in my love life. As much as I want to be with you, if this is not a goal you are interested in I really need to know so that I can grieve and move on,” instead of “Marry me or you’re dumped.”
Dear Miss U,
Recently my boyfriend and I have been arguing so much about one specific subject – moving in together. He lives in the Netherlands and I live in England. When I first said about me moving over there with him he seemed okay with the idea, but then he started over thinking and has decided for about half a year that he doesn’t want me living with him next year anymore. Despite Brexit, which is going to make it difficult for us anyway, I don’t understand why he’s making it more difficult. We are both at college so I can understand his worries but I’ve said that I would secure a job before going over there to live with him and try it out for 3 months. But he doesn’t want it or to even give it a go. I can’t do a long distance relationship for another 2 years 🙁 It’s killing me physically and mentally. I don’t understand why he doesn’t want me with him despite that he’s always saying that he wishes I was there with him and that he misses me and wants me to go to places with him. That he feels lonely etc. I’ve said to him if we don’t have a future planned then what are we doing together?
I just want him to be sure that I’m the one for him.. I love him and all I want is for us to close the distance and be happy. I can’t keep waiting 🙁 but without him, I would feel so lost and all our memories will be gone 🙁 What do you think? Xx
Honestly, I can’t begin to guess what’s up with that. Yes, it is normal to get cold feet. He might even be afraid that your moving there will close the door to his youth; that his life will change more than he is ready for. But that’s just a guess, and guessing will get us nowhere. What you actually need is for him to be brave enough to give you his reasons.
There was a time Mr. E didn’t want me to move in with him either. He completely missed the boat on rooming with his buddies, living in filth and subsiding on chips, pizza, and soda, and my presence would be the last nail in the coffin of his boyhood dreams. I remember the conversation clearly. Indignant, I said, “It’s hardly fair that I should move to you, to a country where I have no family or friends, shoulder all the financial burden and have to live alone on top of that.”
Luckily for me, he saw the sense in what I was saying and realized I being together trumped his fear of the future, but for a while there I too wondered if we would ever live under the same roof.
All you can do is talk to him and try to give him a safe environment to disclose his thoughts even if they aren’t easy for you to hear. Tell him what you need, what you’re willing to give, what you’re willing to compromise on and when, roughly, you need to see progress by. Try to be honest without being manipulative and if in the end he’s still not ready you can either choose to wait an additional two years with no promise he will be ready afterward, or you can invest in a massive tub of ice-cream, take a week off work/study and say your goodbyes.
It is my that hope he sees the light and realizes that the future isn’t so scary after all.