Dear Miss U,
I have been with my boyfriend for about 3 years, I’ve never been the LDR kind, never liked the idea and I still don’t. After 1 year together, my boyfriend had to leave Germany, I still live in Germany, his father got sick, ALS to be exact.
Even though they have 3 children, my boyfriend was the only one who left everything to be with his father. His siblings sent him there, they paid for the ticket for him to leave Germany. They help with some money for his father from time to time but they have never visited him or help with his care. The 2 times they visited, they were on holidays. I have already been there 5 times.
He has said on many occasions that there is a future for us, together, but I’m not sure. He lives in South America. I cant live there, he has to leave his country if he wants to be with me. I know how selfish it sounds but it’s not fair that he left everything he had here and his siblings just went and live their lives like nothing is going on. I want everything they have with they partners, a home together, children, a real future but I am not sure he is going to be able to do that for me, for us. I want to keep fighting for this, fighting for our future.
We try to visit each other at least 4 times a year, but he has not been able to buy the ticket for November and if he doesn’t come that means we won’t see each other for another 5 months. I’m gonna go and visit him in March.
I cannot even think about being 9 months away from each other. I miss him, I love him.
Sad and in love.
Hi Sad and in love,
My heart goes out to you. I can completely understand your frustration with his family and the situation in general.
I had to Google ALS to get a feel for what kind of illness and time frame you’re dealing with, and came to the conclusion that your boyfriend is a champion. This is the kind of family-orientated, self-sacrificing, devoted partner you want beside you for the rest of your life. This is a guy who will hold your big floofy dress when you need to pee at an event, the kind of man who manages the house for a full month so you can rest after bringing his child into the world, the kind of dad who parents rather than babysits, the hero you want at your side after an accident or major surgery. This is a bloke you can grow old with, whose loyalty will remain when both your looks fade. If he’s half as dedicated to the family he creates as the family he came from, hold on with both hands and don’t let go because he’s worth waiting a few years for. And if Dr. Google knows her stuff it’s only a few years. ALS sufferers deteriorate quickly, passing into the next life five years (or less) after diagnosis. As someone who has survived more than five years of long distance I can assure you that the years are short but happily ever after is long.
You tell me you can’t live in South America but you don’t tell me why, which leads me to believe you physically can, you just don’t want to. Which is cool, I’m not judging. I don’t want to live in Canada (Mr. E’s country) so I’m not throwing stones. But what if you just lived there temporarily so you could be together through the last stages of dad’s life, moving back to Germany after? You could still live together, work, save up money for a home, have the life you’re jealous of his siblings having, while also helping care for the man who raised your boyfriend.
If you can’t think about nine months apart, you certainly can’t break up – breaking up is forever apart.
Dear Miss U,
I am the jealous type!!! I have tried everything to try to fight this ugly part of me. My girlfriend and I met in March and fell for each other instantly. 3 months together and as of just the other day 3 months apart. Anyway, back to the point. She is going to a concert all weekend. We won’t get to talk at night until 5 am (3-hour time difference) I trust her and I love her, but I am struggling with this. I don’t know if it’s that deep down I don’t trust her or if it’s the fact that I rely so much on getting to talk to her.
Knowing that you have a problem is a big deal, that’s a great start.
Really dig into your feelings. What do you think will happen? What are you worried will happen? If she was going to meditate alone in a temple in the hills would you still feel this way? If yes, you’re probably jealously hoarding her time. If however, you’re quietly obsessing about her interactions with other people, particularly people who happen to have penises, then I’m going to go with subconsciously not trusting her.
“I trust her, I just don’t trust other people,” is something I hear all the time, but if you scratch the surface of that, it doesn’t hold up. No matter how attractive some guy is, or how drunk she gets, or how long it’s been since she was last in your arms –
if you trust her, you know she won’t cheat. You don’t have to trust anyone else because you know she will say no. You know she will walk away. You know she will use your name as a shield. If you trust her, you might wish she was talking to you rather than out having fun, but you still know she isn’t doing anything wrong.
And if she says no, walks away, etc. and the person you don’t trust does something to her? That’s not her fault. That’s not her breaking your trust – that’s assault.
As for learning not to be jealous, that’s a process. One that I still haven’t mastered. Sometimes I find myself getting jealous and irrationally angry before I remember I don’t even care; it’s just an automatic reaction and thinking on it a few minutes sets me free, because once I apply logic, I realize there’s no threat to get agitated over.
For now, just keep naming your feelings, calling yourself out when you’re irrational or controlling, and most of all don’t take it out on her. Don’t make her feel guilty when she gets in late or moan about how bored and lonely you were. You need to be able to be happy for each other, lifting each other up rather than dragging each other down.
The longer you stay together the more trust and respect will build naturally. Until that time, treat her with trust and respect even if you don’t always feel it, and act how you would hope she would if roles were reversed.