Dear Miss U,
I’m in need of your advice. My boyfriend and I have been going out for a while. We already live 30 min away from each other and we get our licenses in September. This summer I am moving 3 hours away from him and I don’t really know what to do to keep this relationship going. We are both very busy and only see each other once to twice a month.
Due to the fact that we are both very busy people, we only get to talk a little and we Facetime maybe a few times a week for a few minutes.
We’re all busy Mikki. It seems to be just a fact of life in this society – like we’ve lost the ability to relax and let go. We keep ourselves booked up with events and obligations; we say “yes” all too often when we should be saying “no.” There’s a lot of pressure.
Let me confide in you a minute. Every day I feel like I’m chasing my tail, falling behind in this game of life. I cry to Mr. E at the end of the longest days because I’m so desperate to meet my goals and yet I constantly fail. I can’t live up to where I think I should be. For every one thing I check off my To Do List every day I add two more – it frustrates the hell out of him. Sometimes I lay in bed exhausted from giving my all and I cry because it’s not enough. I didn’t work out today, I didn’t publish a blog today, I’m behind on Miss You Issues, I couldn’t answer every letter, I yelled at my kids too much, I used my phone too much, I didn’t get a chance to play a game or unwind, didn’t do anything fun today, I told my husband no because I was just so sick of people touching me… on and on and on.
So I’m going to tell you what I tell myself every night: Make time for the most important stuff; the magical things that set your soul on fire, the activities that preserve your life, and the people you love most. Let all the other noise go.
What are the things you’re going to say on your death bed? For me they’ll be things like, “I wish I made a difference in the world,” “I wish I focused more on my kids,” “I wish I wrote more,” and “I hope they all know how much I love them.” I’m not going to think, “Gee I wish I did overtime at that job I hated.” “I wish I had more money.” “I wish I went to step class.” “I wish I was prettier.”
Sit down and make a list of the things you care about the most. The things that are important. Who and what sets your soul on fire.
You love this guy? Make time for him. Schedule him in if need be, like an important appointment. Drop something you care about less if you have to, get up earlier, or whatever else you need to do. Can’t line up your timetables to achieve real-time contact? Write him letters/emails. Send voice messages that he can listen to and respond to later (talking tends to be faster than texting). Facetime him in public and flip people the bird if they heckle you for it. Like anything thing in life it won’t happen if you don’t work for it.
It’s hard. I’m beginning to accept that it’s probably not going to get easier. And you know what? That’s ok because we are so blessed to live lives that are full of people and activities we love. We need to be grateful for the opportunities we have, make the most of them, and then be kind to ourselves about not being able to do it all.
And Mikki? Send him a link to this page because he needs to prioritize you too, or if you’re not setting his soul on fire he needs to release you so that you can find someone who will love you as fiercely as you deserve.
Dear Miss U,
I have been dating my boyfriend for 4 years and he wants me to come over to see each other like person to person. He always asks me, “When are you coming?” I told him, “Soon.” I had plans to go and see him but I have family taking care of me and I’m not running away from home. I asked my teacher’s advice at school. I asked, “Is it okay that I go over there to see him?” She said, “No, it’s better for you to bring him and his parents to the US because it’s safer.” I told her, “But he’s old enough to come here in the US” then she disagrees about it. My boyfriend is from south Cardiff and I’m from US. I stopped talking to my teacher because she’s not helping me and that upsets me more.
I love him so much and I don’t want to end my relationship with him. He loves me and planned for a proposal to me.
Now he wants to end our relationship and want me to be happy. He doesn’t want us to see each other. I don’t want to accept it. I wanted to spend more time with him in person. I cried weeks and more depressing. My happiness is to be with him. And now my relationship is torn apart. My happiness is gone. I don’t know what to do. Should I continue this relationship or move on? I’m depressed and I can’t move on at all.
Google tells me that South Cardiff is in Wales, and that it’s about as safe as a city gets. I can’t think of a reason you couldn’t fly over there for a visit. A lot of people, particularly in the older generation, believe it’s a “man’s job” to go to the woman but I personally don’t subscribe to that idea. I visited Mr. E first and only good came from it. Yes, you need to be careful, do some planning, have a bit of back-up money to get out quick if things go sour, have a friend or family member checking in with you, make sure people back home have all his details etc. but if you can make the trip and for some reason he can’t: go! This relationship means a lot to you and the survival of this relationship is hinging on a visit? Go!
With that said, you’ve given me no reason why he can’t visit you. 20 is plenty old enough to get on a plane to the U.S. Why does he expect you to be the one to make this trip when the first visit means so much to him? If it’s a big deal, why hasn’t he done it already?
Sadly it might be too late. It sounds like he has given up; he waited around for you to do something he could have done himself and then thrown what he had away because you couldn’t yet give more. You can’t continue a relationship with someone who refuses to be in a relationship. If he is willing to give this relationship another go, then plan a visit together and give it your all. If not, you’re not given any choice beyond grieving, healing and eventually moving on.
Obviously, there are a lot of factors in play here that I’m not privy to so the best I can say is trust your instincts and don’t do for him something he wouldn’t be willing to do for you.