Dear Miss U,
How do you keep going and try to smile when he’s not here I sat and watched him beg me not to make him go as he cried and I cried and I cant message him or webcam him and he is all the way in Italy while I’m in KY I have no doubt that we will make it I just want to know how can I smile when my everything isn’t here?
– Half my Heart is in Italy
Dear Halfie,
You smile because you need to learn to be complete and happy in and by yourself. Your life can not revolve around one thing or one person; it’s not healthy for you as an individual or for your relationship.
I hope that the distance, and your pain, ends soon however. It won’t be like this forever.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 3 months now. We didn’t rush into anything because both of us have been hurt in the past, but we both love each other very much. He’s a divorced Dad, has full custody of the children and lives 100kms away from me. Right now we only see each other on the weekends or every second weekend. My question is, should I expect to put some expectations on how long we should do the “weekends only” thing for? He texts me every morning to say good morning and calls me at night so we can talk about our day. I love him to death and miss him dearly when he’s away; it makes my heart ache . I haven’t met his children yet, not because he doubts us, but he doesn’t want to add any stress to their lives right now due to what their mother is putting them (him) through. Although I understand that part of it, I was so mentally prepared to deal with the kids (age 5 and 8) that not getting to meet them is disappointing, but I know I have to be patient. I won’t be able to do weekends-only for a long time, but I’m not sure what a rational, realistic expectation is for me to expect of him and me. I DON’T want to push, because he has enough to deal with, but I don’t want to have to wait forever (although part of me would for sure!) I want to meet and get used to the kids (and them used to me), get to know each other better, and move forward, since he and I both want that.
Any advice on how I can best cope with the waiting game & missing him so much?
– Boo
Hola Boo,
It seems like you have a pretty good thing going, though I can see how the weekends only thing would wear thin very quickly. You’re not kids anymore; you want something a bit more solid.
It’s still early days though. I’d tough it out three more months of just weekends, making sure to meet the kids at least once in that time, and possibly planning a fun family-orientated weekend at the end of that time period. This way there is some progression to keep you sane, without it being too much too fast.
When you’re coming up to the five month mark, if he hasn’t said anything himself, let him know you feel a week-day sleep over is becoming necessary and that you can’t wait forever. Then drop it and give it another month.
When we tell the menfolk we want something, we need to give them time to make that happen. Impatience is our enemy.
In a relationship like yours a timeline I suggest is that by the end of the first year you’ve met his family and his close friends, at the very least. By the two year mark I think it’s reasonable to expect to have closed the distance (or be close to doing so) and have some kind of plan for the future.
Keeping busy is the best way for the distance to not drive you insane and to help the time pass faster. Also reading up on becoming a step-parent might be worthwhile in your situation. There’s no secret to it, you just need to be able to mentally accept that this is how it is right now, and appreciate what you do have rather than stressing over what you do not have.
