Dear Miss U,
We love each other, I know it. In the beginning, we couldn’t get enough of each other. Gradually that diminished, the honeymoon phase is over now. We have made plans for me to move to be there 3 times. I wasn’t ready the 1st time; the 2nd got close, and he would ignore any texts about it. Then one day he got angry and said he won’t move in the winter, so we planned for summer.
Summer came, and I had everything all set to give up my whole life and be there with him. He ignored my texts about it and evaded my questions on the phone. Finally, the day after I was to put my notice in, he got angry and was evasive with his answers. It was like he felt that if he ignored it and the date passed, I would forget about it. He wouldn’t say what he wanted to, I could tell there was more.
Eventually, I asked if he was just not ready. He said yes and refused to talk about it again. I am heartbroken. I got my hopes up and now I feel like it’s stuck in limbo. We talk for a few minutes a day and 3 or 4 texts, but this has been going on for about 6 months.
He says he loves me but won’t tell me what changed his mind. Not only about moving but marriage someday in our future. He “doesn’t believe in it” when we used to talk about it. Now he hasn’t been here in a year, and it’s like pulling teeth to get him to commit to come. I’ve been there mostly, but I NEED him to come here, so I feel like there is effort made. We haven’t seen each other since April. What is going on? What’s happening?
Cat and Mouse
Dear Cat and Mouse,
There’s only so long you can be expected to have your life on hold and I feel like you have more than fulfilled your quota. In other words: I get the distinct feeling this guy has no intention of closing the distance with you. Beyond that, for a relationship to be successful both people need to be open about their thoughts and feelings – something he obviously struggles with.
Personally, I think he’s just waiting for you to break up with him and move on.
Dear Miss U,
My partner is in the Army and we’ve been long distance for the past 3-4 months. I was supposed to move in with him last week, but he got cold feet. We haven’t been able to see each other since 4 days before he left. It is now a month before we were meant to get married (so I could move in). This was initially his idea. He says he still loves me and wants to fix things between us now.
My question is: How can you resolve issues like this with limited contact and no face to face contact? What techniques would you suggest and do you think you can recover from something like this?
If I was supposed to marry someone I’d been with less than a year, who I hadn’t seen for months, I’d probably bail too. That is big and scary! I know I’ve had some ideas that seemed pretty fantastic and then when the time came I wondered how on earth I ever got into that situation, so I can sympathize here.
I feel like the real issue is simply that he’s not ready/ you don’t know each other enough. Time and as much communication as you can manage within the limits imposed on him in the Army will rectify that. I think you can definitely recover from this, as long as you don’t take it personally. Remember that it’s not an attack on you or a rejection of you. It’s not an insult. He’s not trying to hurt you; in fact, he’s trying to make sure his future with you starts out on the right foot. The last thing either of you wants is a marriage that buckles under pressure because it was rushed into.
Try to forgive and give him the opportunity to fix things. I know it must hurt, but that wasn’t his intention. Remember that you are on the same team working toward the same future. Long distance might suck, but a strained marriage sucks a lot more. Give it time.
Dear Miss U,
Our relationship is a rollercoaster. We see each other about once a year which always involves me going back to the Caribbean to visit family and see him. He always makes promises but there is always an issue that prevents him from either visiting or sending me a care package. I have tried to be understanding but everyone thinks he is playing me for a fool.
When we are together, we are good, and given the fact we were friends before we got involved makes it harder.
After all the drama, we have tried to stay together, but being alone so much is not working for me. He wants us to get married but I see it as me still being alone with a ring on my finger.
My heart goes out to you. I don’t think he’s playing you for a fool, but I do get the impression he wants you to just move to him and be done with it, which is, amongst other things, lazy and selfish.
I get the vibe that you already know where this is going and what you need to do, you’re just not ready yet and that is ok. Be kind to yourself, be honest with him, and trust your instincts.