Dear Miss U,
My name is Bruno, and gf’s name is Melissa. We have been dating for a bit over a year now, and I love her so much, and I believe she loves me as much. She is finishing her junior year in high school, and I’m finishing my freshman in college. I go to college in Boston, and she’s always thinking of going to college south around Florida. Today I just asked her if she would want to continue dating if she theoretically went to Florida, and replied with, I don’t like long distance relationships but don’t worry everything will be ok. I want to think that, but I don’t want to be in a relationship that will eventually end. I don’t know what to do and thinking about it breaks my heart. I am swimming in unknown waters and I really don’t know what to do.
– Bruno
Dear Bruno,
Essentially, all relationships are the same in the way that you never actually know if they are going to make it or not. The “unknown waters” factor adds a bit of a thrill to near-proximity relationships just as much as long distance ones. Relationships make us vulnerable; they make us take risks. You will never go into a relationship knowing it will succeed; you might be fairly certain, and in twenty or forty years you might say you “always knew” but the fact is no one knows for sure. And that’s probably good as it stops us becoming complacent and taking our loved ones for granted.
My advice is that if the relationship is working for both of you now, then focus on that. There will come a time where your relationship will require both of you to plan around it in ways you previously did not need to if you do want it to continue, but together you will cross that bridge when the time comes. You will both make sacrifices. And if both of you want this equally, if both of you love each other deeply, you truly will be ok. Don’t focus on the potential this relationship has to end, because they all have that. Focus on how you’re going to make it succeed.
Dear Miss U,
I have never had a serious relationship, but I really like this girl. Taking in consideration, I haven’t fully come-out to my family. How do I keep the conversation going and to not run out of things to talk about?
p.s.-I live in the US and she lives is Canada.
– Kay loves her
Dear Kay,
The great thing about being a young woman is that society doesn’t bat an eye when you’re ridiculously close with another woman. Women are portrayed as social creatures, we need friends and support networks and we over-share chronically. I know many a woman who communicates near constantly with a female friend, including sending snapchats from the bathroom, so it doesn’t make sense to me that your family would be excessively suspicious of this girl in your life. Of course, there’s absolutely nothing to be ashamed of and so if they did start cluing in to your sexuality I would hope they would be more concerned about your happiness and that they can see you thrive within this relationship rather than the gender of the parties involved.
How not to run out of things to talk about seems tricky to some people, while it comes naturally to others. Some couples inherently realize that if they are going to be long distance then verbal and written communication is going to form the basis of their bond. Those couples tend to talk about everything: the nitty gritty of their day, the ins and outs of their beliefs, they delve into what makes the other tick, they ask endless questions and they don’t limit themselves to their micro worlds. Talk about big issues too, what’s going on in the news, in your community, the lives of the people around you (remember if this relationship lasts, your people will someday be her people too), politics and legal policies that might affect you. If you can think about it, talk about it, and watch for noteworthy happenings throughout your day so that you always have a story or a new topic to discuss. It’s likely that you will be so fascinated by each other that you don’t need to put in too much of an effort. Just be sincere, take it at a pace you’re both comfortable with and make her feel special. In time if you do run out of things to talk about you can learn about being companionably silent – enjoying each other’s company without having to chatter – and that’s important too.
Dear Miss U,
Please help! I met this guy in my area online, and we seemed to really connect, so we planned on a date to a nice restaurant. But a few days before the date, he texted me and said he had just purchased a one way ticket to India. He’s a traveler and a writer. He apologized but wanted to at least take me out for a drink. I thought it would be nice to at least make a friend, especially one so intrepid like him. So we met for drinks and talked for a very long time, it was very nice. He walked me to my car in the rain and I thought that was it when he asked if he could kiss me. Of course, I said yes, and it was magical! Ever since, we’ve spent each weekend together and texting each other regularly. We’ve grown closer and closer, learning new things and falling deeper, but the closer we get, the more my heart breaks at the thought of him leaving. This is the happiest I’ve ever been, and the saddest at the same time. I’m afraid he’s the love of my life and I’ll never see him again. He told me there’s no reason why we can’t see each other again, but I have never traveled out of the country (though I’m now motivated to do so!) so for someone who’s never ventured out, the world seems so big and I’m afraid I won’t be able to find him. We’ve discussed Skyping and using WhatsApp for international texting, but does that help at all? What do I do when I miss him and I can’t call him? We finally found each other, and now I have to lose him. I want to cry constantly. What should I do?
– Ruthie
Dear Ruthie,
They say that if you love something you must set it free. In your case this seems to be particularly true. I know that much of this seems daunting, but none of it is unachievable. Millions of people have entered long distance relationships, traveled to foreign places, lived a few years with their phone in their hand and a far-away look in their eyes – there is no reason you can not also do these things. It is not beyond your ability. Go into this with a spirit of great adventure, give into the romance rather than focusing on the difficulties and make a beautiful story together.
