Dear Miss U,
My mom was upset the other day over something stupid . She told me to go help her with something. I was on the phone with my boyfriend. I told him I would call him when I was done. He said “I love you” and I said it back. I went to go help my mom and she was still upset that when I walked away she said “How can you love someone you don’t know?” Surprisingly it got me really mad. How do I deal with stuff like this and what should I tell my mother back?
Love Arianna
Dear Arianna,
Your mother has a valid question, and from her perspective it is probably you “getting upset over something stupid” not her. All you have here is a simple lack of understanding and communication, which can be fixed.
Back in her day people didn’t date over the internet. It didn’t exist. You met people face to face, or if you were really super desperate you’d agree to be set up for a blind date. That was how normal people found love. What you should tell your mother is the truth, simple as that. How can you love someone you don’t know? You can’t! But never having been in the physical presence of someone doesn’t mean you don’t know them. How do people get to know the people they see day-to-day? By talking to them, observing how they treat others, asking questions and interacting. It’s exactly the same online. You can see how he reacts to other people online; if he’s kind, if he helps people out, and how he responds to the people in his household when they interrupt your calls. He treats you with respect, takes an interest in your life and shows you support, you have fun together, can relate to each other’s way of thinking, you likely have similar goals for the future. All these things contribute to knowing and loving a person. There are probably many qualities your boyfriend has that appeal to you and you’re proud of. Explain that to your mum. Gently. There’s absolutely no use in feeling offended or angry simply because she doesn’t understand these things that are outside her experience, and if you act defensive all you manage to achieve is giving off a negative impression of the relationship.
Be positive, open and remember that your mum is a person too.
Dear Miss U,
So I’ve been dating this guy since he was 15 and I am now a freshman in college. We are going to the same college and see each other every day. Recently I’ve met this other guy who I’ve began to have feelings for. But my boyfriend and I have also been going through a rough patch where he bosses me around and teases me constantly. I don’t know if these feelings I’m having for this guy are mainly because my boyfriend and I are fighting or if I truly don’t like my boyfriend anymore. I don’t know whether to break up with my boyfriend and enjoy being single for a while and even start seeing this other guy, or if I should stick with my committed relationship. My boyfriend and I have made so many plans together for our future and before I was so convinced he was the man I was going to marry. I’m the only girl he’s ever dated and he’s the first real relationship I’ve ever had. I don’t know what to do because I can’t imagine my life without him but everything he does lately seems to set me off or make me feel insecure. But I also don’t know if that’s just amplified because of this other guy.
PLEASE HELP!
Cassidy
Dear Cassidy,
It’s always tough when we can’t be certain of our own feelings. I think at this point it might be a good idea to write a list of pros and cons for this relationship. You can also sit down with your boyfriend and explain to him how you feel about the way he’s been treating you. Be sure to include examples of when he has mistreated you so that he can better understand your point of view rather than thinking you’re just attacking him. Think deeply; if the problems in your relationship were suddenly fixed, would your heart still want to be with him? Sometimes we get to the point where we are just tired of trying with a person and no amount of love can get us past the hurt already caused.
Understand that you’ve both probably changed and developed a lot over the past few years – you’re at a stage in your lives where you are becoming the adults you will be – and sometimes people don’t grow in the same direction no matter how much they wish to. You have not failed if this relationship has run its course, and though all your plans include him at this point, that doesn’t mean a life without him won’t have just as many wonderful things to aspire to and enjoy.
It’s also possible that you’re just spending too much time together, and that’s why you’re fighting so much. Perhaps spending more time with friends and family might make the time you do spend together more harmonious?
I wish you all the best in following your heart.
Happy Holidays!
