Dear Miss U,
I have been with my partner for about 4 years and we were doing fine had our ups and downs and as for me trust issues and jealousy but we got to fix that. We met last year and we had a great love connection and great bond. He stayed for a week and then he headed back to Louisiana since I live in California. Since then he has been busy, trouble with finance issues since he lives on his own and I live with my parents and we been spending less time together. At times I get frustrated upset and I miss him. I also say horrible things out of anger and some words that I feel like it went too far. I wanna know what I can do to win his trust back. At times he doesn’t tell me what he feels. Or doesn’t want to or he tell me that he would tell me when he wants to. But I get pushy about it to tells me and that I can help but he get mad and say no and get annoyed .and now he ask me for a break and that I don’t listen what can I do to help him his overall stress and saying he could kick out of his apartment and doesn’t have time to think of our relationship. What can I do to help him? It’s breaking my heart because I really love him to death and feel like he wants to break with me because I don’t listen and because we argue. I don’t want this 4 year relationship to end I know I overreact but don’t know to control it.
– Arella
Dear Arella,
If you want to save this relationship, or indeed have a successful healthy relationship with someone else in the future, you need to learn to control it. It’s that simple, and that complex. It is easy to say you can’t control yourself or you don’t know how, but at the end of the day it isn’t true. You make the decisions for yourself. You decide what to say and when to say it. You are the person making the choice between nagging him and respecting his need for space – You are already in control! – and changing what you do with that control is up to you.
If you feel like you can’t learn to manage your anger alone (so that you don’t say things you don’t mean) there are courses you can take to teach you these skills. They are often run by local church groups or youth centers; see what resources are available in your area. You can also look into counseling if you feel you absolutely can not learn self-control on your own. It is a skill to be able to step back from a pending argument and look at the big picture, but it’s one that is worth knowing. Listen to yourself, to your thoughts and words. Recognize in yourself when you are getting worked up and ask yourself if this issue is really worth it.
As for him opening up to you, he is more likely to be honest with you if he does not fear reprisal. If you’re generally calm and think about what he says, giving him the time he needs to express himself, he will feel supported and respected; and so he will be more likely to want to open up to you again in future.
He has requested this break for a very obvious reason, he does not feel heard, does not feel understood or supported. For you to help, you need to be able to provide those three things.
1) You need to listen rather than doing the things that are driving him away.
2) You need to try to understand how his living situation effects the other aspects of his life, and that things that are easy for you or are already provided in your home life are struggles for him.
3) And lastly you need to offer him support, which means not taking out your frustration on him when you miss him – he misses you too! – and giving him the time he needs to come to you with his problems. Don’t push him to talk to you, instead tell him you are there for him when he needs to talk and give him space.
You can do this. Relationships are supposed to help us become better people, so let this experience enrich you. I wish you the best of luck.
Dear Miss U,
So many things have happened since we started corresponding last year September. He is from UK and I am from S.A. We have shared so many thoughts, our past and our future together. He left UK in November to work in The Philippines on a contract. Since the contract expired he had trouble in leaving that country. He were supposed to visit in December but he had no money to buy a ticket due to the fact that the company did not reimburse him that time. So many times he asked if I can help with money so that he can book a ticket. I just could not help him. He then got paid but in the form of a check. He could not cash the check due to it being a very large amount. Then again he asked for money. At one stage in January I could net get hold of him and then I received an email from a Dr who explained that he has been in an accident and it did not go well. After some time he contacted me after he were released from hospital. Then again he asked for money because he wanted to get back to UK. On numerous occasions I have told him that I can’t assist him. All I want to know if this is not a type of scam where you get involved with someone and then they try to get money out of you. We hear so many things and I am afraid that I have been taken for a fool and that none of his feelings are actually real. Should I stop contact with him totally or not? I just don’t what to do anymore. I have developed feelings for him and from his talk him for me as well but money are always an issue
– Uncertain
Dear Uncertain,
It’s definitely fishy. I am so relieved to hear that up until this point you have resisted giving him money, because it sounds like a scam. A couple of the red flags I see are that he couldn’t cash the check because it was too large. I have never been to the Philippines and it might be different there, but I have never lived in a place where the financial institutions would not process checks of even the largest sums. That just doesn’t make any sense. Moreover, if that were true, his employer would know not to pay him in one lump sum.
Secondly, I very much doubt it was a real doctor emailing you. A doctor wouldn’t be allowed to email you; that would be against their privacy policy. If you were his next of kin and were needed to make a decision the hospital might phone you, but they wouldn’t email. Doctors don’t have the time for that, nor the inclination to get themselves sued.
I personally think this is a scam, I’m sorry to say. It does happen; there are very real predators on the internet. I do understand how hard it will be for you to cut him out of your life, but at this point it looks to be the safest course. Trust your instincts.
