Dear Miss U,
Hi, my name is Jeff and I being dating this girl name Chantal for about 4months. Everything was fine till she told me she don’t have the energy to try no more, she told me what happened to her in the past with her ex. She tried to for 2 years and her ex promised her the same thing such as I won’t leave you, I will always love you, and etc. she feel really insecure and I really need help from this because I really love her. Thanks!!! <3 Jeff
Hi Jeff,
If she’s willing to give up on you after only four short months I’m not entirely certain she is worth fighting for. Frankly, it is wrong for her to blame you for the relationship crimes her ex committed. You are not him. You deserve better than to be compared to him, or to have to fast-track this relationship because she wasted time with someone else. Basically, she’s not being fair to you. Find a very gentle way to address this and carefully point it out to her. Ask for a fair chance.
It doesn’t matter what he promised her or what he did to her, she doesn’t automatically get the right to demand more of you to compensate and if she was too emotionally exhausted by her last relationship to maintain a new relationship with you, she shouldn’t have entered into it in the first place. I know how harsh that sounds, but we all have baggage and if we drag it into each successive relationship and just dump it at the feet of our newest partner we will never get anywhere. She needs to realize that just because one man lies, that doesn’t mean all men do. Him not meaning what he said in no way reflects on you, your character or your truthfulness.
With that said, ask her what you can do to help her feel reassured, and if it is reasonable and within your comfort level, let that be your guide. Explain to her how hurtful her assuming you are lying is and ask her to help you give her whatever it is she needs. Talk it out. In time, if she gives you the chance, your actions will prove your words true.
Dear Miss U,
I am currently in my last year in university and he graduated last year. He is currently working back in our home country. (We have only one hour time difference – and I count that as my luck).
He and I have been going out for 9 months, and we have just started LDR for approximately a month. I am well prepared for this and I have read tons of articles and tips on how to survive an LDR to make sure that I could do my part for him. However, currently he is not showing any sign that he actually cares. So far we have tried communicating with Skype twice, but I did ask for those Skype session: if I didn’t, he would not have the initiative to think of doing it. I am the one who contact him first (if I don’t, he won’t contact me for the whole day), I am the one who ask about his day etc
I would not mind if I know that it is because he is busy with his work, but most of the time I would notice that he is actually quite active in Facebook (commenting on other people’s videos and photos, liking them etc) while my message remains untouched/unreplied. Another thing that actually has bothered me before is that he rarely likes my posts or photos, but he would be very active liking his other friends’, even his ex-es. I often told myself that I am being silly and all, but when he is not even around like this, I feel that he doesn’t appreciate me at all, and probably, he doesn’t even care.
What should I do?
Lonely and Underappreciated
Dear Underappreciated,
Facebook is an awful way to judge how people feel about you and tends to be a poor reflection of the real-world indeed. Try to put that out of your mind. Sometimes I will overlook a message because I want to give it my full attention, while I will like a few photos or statuses because it takes no effort and I don’t have to concentrate to do it. Sometimes silence might mean he cares more.
As you have probably figured out, you need to talk to him about this. Talk to each other about your needs and expectations and above all tell him what you want! Don’t hint and don’t wait around for him to figure it out. Go after your own happiness and be an advocate for yourself. As unromantic as it seems, most people don’t instinctively know what their partner is feeling or what to do to make their day better (or even that they should be trying to!) so tell him. Describe to him the kind of things that would make you feel more connected to him and more valued within the relationship.
Let him know that you’ve put this effort into having some techniques in your toolbox and that you would like to see him meet you half way in maintaining this relationship. Give him solid ideas on how to achieve that.
Too often we think we are communicating clearly when we are not, so say exactly what you mean.
Understand too that he doesn’t see the world as you do. He might not suggest to Skype because he’s afraid of bothering you or appearing clingy. Or he just might not think of it because it isn’t yet a habit. It doesn’t mean he isn’t interested in spending time with you, it means he doesn’t think in the same way.
Talk to him and go from there.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend of three years and I broke up for about three weeks and then got back together. We both needed the reality check but during the time apart he decided to move four hours away. I find myself resenting him for wanting to be away from me and do not know how to cope with it. I get upset everyday and we just end up fighting. I want this to work but can not understand how he can tell me he loves me but still insists on moving to a place where he has nothing but a friend and a place to stay. He refuses to ever move back here and expects me to eventually move but I am uncomfortable doing so if he can not do the same for me.
Kris
Dear Kris,
There has got to be more to it than this. Why did he move? I very much doubt it is so that he can be away from you. If he wanted to be away from you, he wouldn’t have reinstated the relationship. Perhaps his hatred for your hometown played a part in the break-up because he felt tethered there. I think it’s time for both of you to put each other’s shoes on. Try to understand him, get into his headspace. It is probably not about you at all! Understanding brings acceptance; if you can understand why he acts the way he does then perhaps you will be able to find sympathy rather than resentment within you.
