Micro (penis) Management

Dear love,

I’m not going to lie and pretend like our bodies have no bearing on our relationships, because they do, but it’s worth noting that our bodies and their needs change during the course of said relationships. Not his micropenis, that’s not going to magically get bigger. But things like muscle tone, pelvic floor health, childbirth if you decide to do that, and circulation all play a role in how tab A fits into slot B.

How you feel about him and yourself will also change how you feel about his penis. If you’re dismayed or in any way expecting disappointment, disappointed you will be. When I first saw Mr. E’s penis, I was terrified. I’d never seen one that big and I was pretty sure he’d kill me. This isn’t a positive thing, though porn wants us to believe it is. I’d just come out of a relationship with a guy who had a slew of sexual health issues, so once I got past the initial terror (and we did some heavy negotiating) I was in awe of Mr. E and his trouser snake. This giant penis seemed like the most amazing thing and he could just keep going and going.

Fast forward ten years and three babies, it still looks pretty. It’s a nice penis as far as they go, but I’m tired and my vagina is busted from all those children, and do we really have to go for a whole hour? Dude I’ve got seven minutes of energy, after that... well, I kinda wish it was less impressive. The internet likes us to believe that after we have kids we will have this gigantic cave between our legs and if a penis sneezes in there the sound will echo into eternity. That’s not how it works. Yeah, there’s more stretch there, but sometimes there’s less structure too. I’m in a vagina club (okay, it’s a support group for pelvic health but let’s call it a club) and a lot of the women report that at times during their cycle their partners can’t fit their regular-sized penises in there. This is true for me too, and frustrating for my partner.

I’m telling you this simply to demonstrate that the penis you think want now isn’t necessarily the penis that will keep you satisfied when you’re forty. Also the vag you’re offering now might not be the vag you offer as you age, and you’ll want him to work with you not demean you. I used to cry (literally) because my partner didn’t want to have sex every day. Now I’m the one with the lower libido. So, whilst I would, without question, leave a partner based on poor sexual satisfaction, I think we need to remain aware of how our desires might change and assess what actually makes a partner good in the sack.

The size of a penis doesn’t matter if he can’t get it up or doesn’t know what to do with it. Penis aside, does he know what to do with his hands? His mouth? Your toys? Only 30% of women can orgasm through penetration alone, and like everything else that can change over time, so let’s assess his entire skillset, and more importantly, his willingness to learn.

How a partner responds to feedback is key. Does he listen intently and then get lazy again in three weeks? Does he freak out at first, then apologize later? Does he brood? If you tell him “hey, I’d like to improve our sex life” is he going to embrace that or is he going to play the victim? Is he going to get a subscription to OMGYes and learn how to be an amazing lover or is his only concern himself?

It's going to be a hard discussion, but it will tell you more about your relationship’s future than simply what to expect in the bedroom. How you respond to challenges as a couple is key. And I’ve always said, “if you can’t talk about sex, you shouldn’t be having it,” so it’s time to open a dialogue with him.

Gently. Because if this wasn’t a sore spot he’d probably have mentioned it in advance. Take into account how you’d feel if the tables were turned and there was something about you that you couldn’t control that influenced how your partner saw you and experienced pleasure. Where possible, use positive language. For example: “I’d really like to try __ with you,” not “Here’s a substitute for your tiny penis.”

Now the good news: there are lots of paths to satisfaction that don’t even require a penis to be in the room!

There are positions you can use to increase friction. There are penis extending toys. There are dildos he can strap on his thigh so you can do an amazing lap-dance combo. He can slip a finger in at the same time as penetrating you (sounds awkward but it’s fun). You can branch out into anal. Heck, you can do anal while using a vibrator at the same time. You can grind / have outercourse. You can forget his penis entirely and ride his face instead. There are a multitude of options. Sex is so much more than penetration. In fact, I recommend having an orgasm before penetration begins.

Figure out why a big penis matters to you, too. The most important sexual organ is the brain, so make sure your brain is working for you not against you. It’s understandable you’d have been shocked and a bit dismayed, but going forth you know what you’re working with. I personally don’t believe a small penis is the death of your sexual satisfaction. I do think this is something you can and should be able to get over, because sex is so much more than intercourse.

It's not the size of the ship, it’s the motion of the ocean – and the skills of the captain.

In kindness,