Dear Miss U,
My husband and I haven’t seen each other since January as he’s in Japan, and I’m in the US. We discovered this week that I’m unable to join him there. I’ve been very down, while he’s better able to shake things off than I am. We still think there may be a chance that he’ll be able to come back here. My question is because he recently asked if I would be alright with him texting less because he feels like he doesn’t always have much to say and he feels dumb just replying “yeah” to whatever I say. He said that his feelings for me are still the same, it’s just that he hates texting and wishes that there were better ways to communicate. This leaves me feeling like my husband doesn’t want to talk to me. Anyway, I’d like to know what suggestions you have as far as texting goes, and should a couple communicate every day? How can I better make him feel like he has something to contribute to the conversation?
– Judy
Dear Judy,
I’m sorry to hear you won’t be able to join him, that’s hard news. Remember though that just because he appears to deal with things better that doesn’t mean he necessarily feels like he does, nor does it mean he doesn’t care.
As far as texting goes, I don’t think it’s an appropriate method to support the main communication of a marriage. There are better ways to communicate and I think it would benefit you both to find one of those options that work for your relationship. Find a medium that allows you to take your thoughts in-depth, something that isn’t as irritating as pressing tiny little buttons and causing periodic distractions throughout the day. In my opinion, texting is great as a pick-me-up tool, or for practical purposes like “I’ll be late” and “don’t forget to go to the post office on the way home.” If you want to make someone smile for ten seconds out of their busy day, wish them luck or tell them you were just thinking of them, I’m all for texting. But if you want to have a conversation there are more efficient ways to do it that lead to less misunderstandings. Your husband’s wish to text less does not mean he doesn’t want to talk to you or doesn’t miss spending time with you, it means he doesn’t like texting and wants to spend less time looking down at his phone. There’s no fault in that. Plenty of people (and I’d hazard a guess that the bulk of them are male) don’t like texting or don’t think it’s the right tool for that kind of job.
I do believe a couple should communicate every day, even if it isn’t in real time, and that if necessary they need to make sacrifices to have time to do so. There are lots of ways to stay in contact and to manage the costs of doing so. There’s Skype, Facetime and other methods of video chatting. There are international calling cards that can be bought from gas stations, supermarkets or 7/11 that make using a phone somewhat less painful. There’s SnapChat if you want to include a photo or short video with your message, which can help freshen up the cell phone usage. There are instant messaging programs if you’re in a place where you can type a lot, but not speak for whatever reason. If you have a lot to say and your love is likely asleep, emails are still a great way to go. Or you can voice-record a message using free audacity software and share it via drop box. There are simply so many options, it’s hard to believe anyone would have to rely on texting.
Sometimes our partners don’t realize how much they have to say, until we prompt them. So ask open-ended questions or tell him to send you a photo if he has no words. Think about what you want him to say, what do you want to talk about with him to nurture a greater connection between you? If your lives are reasonably the same day in and out, focus on bigger issues for a while. Global issues, local politics, news, charity efforts, talk about what is happening in your community and ask about what is happening in his. Take an effort in each others occupations. So much of the time we only have a vague understanding of what our partners actually do at work – change that. Don’t settle for a “you wouldn’t understand,” ask to be granted understanding. And if all else fails, talk about sex. Ask him about his likes and dislikes, what he misses, his secret fantasies. Initiate phone sex. Dare him to send you a naughty photo. (Yes, I’m aware a lot of women don’t really get turned on by random penis photos. Neither do I. It’s funny-looking. However, you can get creative about what you want to see while still making him feel desired and engaged.)
Talk to him. Let him know texting less is an option and you respect how he feels – but that communicating less isn’t an option, and go from there. Remember quality over quantity too; a lot more can be said in a 20 minute conversation than can be conveyed in an hour of texting.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I live 19 hours apart he doesn’t have a job so he doesn’t have money to come visit me, can u help? My boyfriend and I love each other very much that we want to get married eventually when he has the money to move where I live do u have any advice for us?
– Claire
Dear Claire,
My advice to you is to slow down on the marriage stuff, you’ve been together a month! Take this time to really get to know each other in-depth and have wonderful soul-opening conversations.
On the financial front, for the time being as you are the one with the money that makes you the person who pays for the visits while he contributes to the relationship in other ways. Whilst it is necessary to be able to talk about finances together, I feel that so early in a relationship his financial situation is really none of your business and vice versa. You can tell him that although you’re willing to cover visits right now, it’s not a long-term solution and you expect things to equal out later; and of course don’t let yourself get taken for a fool. I don’t know if you’ve met in person or not, but the internet can be a dangerous place. Be wary of anyone who asks you to send them money.
Unemployment is hard, but it’s not forever (even though it can feel like that at times). Ask him what you can do to help him find work. Perhaps he’d benefit from you looking over his resume, providing a character reference, or helping him find good job search related websites. If he’s been long-term unemployed it might be time to talk to him about getting more education, a higher level of training or opening up his search to include unpaid internships or even volunteer work that could bulk out his resume and give him the boost he needs.
When the time comes for a move to happen, realize that financially it should not be his sole responsibility; just like anything else in the relationship, if it’s for the relationship both of you should be putting the effort in. That doesn’t mean everything should be 50/50 and dollar for dollar but it does mean working together and meeting each other half way.
In the meantime, relax. These are big issues that you both have time to think about and they are largely out of your hands. Don’t pressure him. I’m sure he wants to be able to visit and close the distance just like you do, and he likely craves the satisfaction that work brings people. And in the even he doesn’t, that tells you something important about him too.
